it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Enjoy the penises
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
