The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
