the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize