you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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