true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
