1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
