Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
