Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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