I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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