How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
