Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
