he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
