Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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