In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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