im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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