I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
