plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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