Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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