you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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