just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
