I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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