I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize