I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Randomize
