Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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