Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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