I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
