I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize