I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
