dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
