Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
