So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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