there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
