She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
