I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
