I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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