One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
