Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
