i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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