I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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