i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
