if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
