I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize