$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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