god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
