Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
