if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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