My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
