I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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