If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
