sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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