i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
