Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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