i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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