I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
