just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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