dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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