How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
