I wish I only lived at night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
