her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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